Your dad touched me again.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
