If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
