i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
