Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
