i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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