And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
