the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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