Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
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