we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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