i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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