Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
and she was petting her beer can
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
