I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
