Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
