Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
