you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
