you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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