dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
