I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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