I wannas sexs uuuuu
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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