I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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