He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
