im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
