What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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