I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
