I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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