I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We need a shit load of segways right now
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
