wanna go halves on a baby?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
