She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
