people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
