I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
