i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she peed on how many people?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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