i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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