I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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