I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
