I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
