i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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