He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
