I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
