How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
