Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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