I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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