I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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