Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize