The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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