The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
where are my eyebrows?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
