i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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