I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
