Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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