I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
