1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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