my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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