you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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