Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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