yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
