Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
is it fun? or sober?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
