I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
